my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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