So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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