I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
