I smell stomach acid.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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