Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
