omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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