I think i sorta joined a cult last night
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
