if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
