im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I believe in your delicious
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
