need another drink. this is the easiest way
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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