Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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