Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
