So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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