I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
