There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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