I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
