Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
