I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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