You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
