I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i think my cat just said my name.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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