WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
