went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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