Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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