I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
this boner is exhausting
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
