he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
