Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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