home. puking in laundry basket.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
