in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
