i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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