Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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