Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
