I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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