as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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