We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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