No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
