Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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