Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
