sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
