Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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