I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
