the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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