I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
