I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
