I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
