whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
