his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
