I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
