i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
