so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
