I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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