The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
