I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
