I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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