He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
