If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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