textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
