Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
