you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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