I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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